Communicating by email and text can be tricky. You don’t have the advantage of vocal inflection as you do on the phone, or visual cues as you do in person.
Not to mention potential grammatical errors — which can sabotage the best of intentions.
For example, “Let’s eat, grandpa” versus “Let’s eat grandpa.”
When Asking Goes Wrong — A Personal Story
A few days ago, I received an email from “Fred” asking if I could provide a discount for my online course, Mastering Major Gifts. Now, I realize this isn’t quite the same thing as asking for a gift — but the point to this story still applies, so bear with me.
As a fundraiser, I truly believe you should ask for what you want and need. It’s the best way to get what you require to run your organization and programs effectively.
Therefore, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised by this request. In fact, assuming Fred is a fan of my blog, he may have learned to ask for what he wants from me!
But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Each party is coming from a different place
Communication is a two way street. Each party must take into account the current emotional state of the other, which is nearly impossible to glean via text and email.
So with that, know that I get similar requests (for free and discounted services) on a regular basis.
You may not realize, but I put my heart and soul into creating Mastering Major Gifts. It’s ten years of hard work rolled into one groundbreaking course. I truly believe it’s an incredible value with a fantastic ROI. Therefore, the constant requests for discounts can start to grate.
My Response to the Ask
My response to appeals for freebies or discounts generally goes something like this:
The Early Bird price is the lowest discount I can afford to offer for Mastering Major Gifts.
Sometimes I mention that I give several full scholarships per year… sometimes I don’t.
I continue by suggesting that if Mastering Major Gifts is outside the scope of their budget, that’s an indicator that their organization may not be ready for the content yet. In that case, they can start with some of my more lower priced products and services — I mention my books and my blog (free).
I never want to pressure anyone into taking the course until they are ready. So that’s what I thought I was doing when this request came across my desk.
Here’s what I wrote, specifically:
The Early Bird price is the lowest discount I can afford to offer for Mastering Major Gifts. If you can’t afford it, you’re probably not ready for the course yet, as you do need some existing donors for the course to be effective.
I suggest starting with my books on Amazon. Try Major Gift Fundraising for Small Shops. I also offer regular free fundraising advice through my blog. You can subscribe at www.amyeisenstein.com/join.
Understanding my personal point of view
Whenever any organization can’t afford my services, I’m happy to provide tons of free fundraising content (via my blog, videos, webinars and the Major Gifts Challenge). That’s how I give back to the sector. (Not to mention serving on boards, volunteering my time and donating money.)
My courses, along with my speaking and training, on the other hand (which provide tons of value and years of expertise), is how I make a living to support my family.
His Response to my Response
I received an almost immediate response from Fred. He called me “arrogant and rude.”
Yikes!
I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but arrogant and rude have not been among them.
The idea that my email was perceived as anything by genuine was shocking to me!
Although I was taken aback, I took a deep breath and drafted a measured response. And I’m happy to report, after four emails back and forth, we got to the root of the confusion:
I made an incorrect assumption.
I apologized for making an assumption that Fred could not afford the course and wasn’t ready for the content. He appreciated my apology.
Of course, Fred was just being a cautious nonprofit executive, negotiating for the best price he could get. I can see that now.
I misinterpreted his request for a discount to mean he didn’t have the budget for training.
Communication is Nuanced
Words matter. Tone matters. How you speak and write to donors matters.
Often it’s about HOW you ask. Remember — everyone is coming from a different place. We all make assumptions about where the other party is coming from… and that can be dangerous — especially when communicating by text or email.
Citing my example above, dozens of people who are eager to take Mastering Major Gifts have reached out to ask for an extension on the Early Bird price. When someone says, “I’m ready to sign up, and was wondering if you could give me the Early Bird price?” I almost always say, “Yes!”
But my response is often predicated on assumptions. Just as your donors’ responses are always based on their assumptions when you’re asking them for a gift. They make assumptions about how the money will be used, how much you really need, and so forth, which is why it’s so important to be clear and informative.
It’s up to you to ensure your donors’ assumptions are accurate and correct. This is why face-to-face meetings are so important, especially when it comes to asking for a major gift.
We’re All Imperfect, with Imperfect Communication
No one’s perfect. Not me. Not you.
And some days are better than others. We’re all doing the best we can on any given day.
Our imperfections are what cause miscommunications. So often conflict can be avoided when we simply take the time to understand where others are coming from. (This is doubly important when asking your donors for a gift.)
I can admit that I made a mistake, and I’m committed to learning from my mistake.
I’ve learned a ton from this communication failure. I thought I was doing the right thing by not pressuring people to pay for a course they may not be ready for, but it turns out I was unknowingly being condescending.
I won’t be making that mistake again. Onward and upward. Tomorrow there are new mistakes to make. 😉
Have you ever miscommunicated via text or email?
How about you? Have you ever miscommunicated with a donor, boss or colleague through email or texting? Tell me all about it in the comments.
Oh, Amy, this is SPOT ON! Thanks for sharing your vulnerability and such a vivid example. I, too, had an emotion-heavy episode of miscommunication in the last two weeks. On my part, I was burdened with some worries over the health of a loved one and wasn’t particularly respectful or listening in some communication (with my boss, no less). As a result, my communications in response came across as accusatory. In reality, when I reflected, I realized that my “goal” was more engagement and collaboration, but my communication method/content immediately put my boss on the defensive and we spent several messages (and meetings) arguing over inconsequential matters. It was a wake-up call.
Thanks, too, for your focus on women’s issues/perspective. I received a book over the holidays by Gemma Hartley called “Fed Up”. It’s based on an article she wrote for Harper’s Bazaar that speaks to the additional burden many women bear related to “emotional labor”. (I have no personal connection to the author but the article so resonated with me when I first read it. The book expands on the concept and provides a “prescription” for possible solutions, I think. I’ve not gotten very far into the book yet.) Check out the article – you may find it helpful as you consider your discussion of women’s issues. A link to the article is here: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
Thanks so much for sharing, Karen! I will check out the article and book you mention.
Oooooh, Amy, could I ever relate! And I laughed when I read your exchange. But mine was a “huge-r” blunder, and in person at that:
I was talking with our (company) banker and actually divulged that I subscribe to Donor Search! I immediately realized what I had said and tried to cover it with an explanation that it allowed me to find the person’s interest so I wouldn’t bother someone whose focus was completely different. But the (probable) fall-out) is that none of the banks has supported a special fundraiser I’m working on to get money for a piece of equipment needed for a project in a local school. I’m told the bankers get together about requests such as ours, and since none has supported it, my conclusion is that the slip has cost me dearly in the community and may for time to come. “Open mouth. Insert foot. Chomp heartily!”
LuEllen – Thanks for sharing. We’re all human and we do the best we can. Onward and upward!
Amy thank you for sharing that encounter and doing so with humility. That actually causes an empathy that then compels others to do the same. 🙂 I cannot say I know the outcome or they “why” but I had a situation where I traveled out of state to meet with various donors and one became such a wonderful meeting – went much longer than either of us expected and “seemed” to even progress in a personal relationship vs. just donor and organization’s representative. Well, when I returned to the office and reached out to conclude with the gift we had spoken of I got nothing but crickets…. I was so shocked that I called and left a message. No response. I waited a week and then sent an email apologizing for any offense I may have caused and concluded with I will not contact you again unless I receive an invitation to do so. I did receive an apologetic email stating that I had not offended her but that she was just so busy and cannot always respond. I was so relieved! I went on to then communicate in the manner she suggested and nothing in response again. We received a letter with a partial payment on the pledged amount. It’s been a year and I have sent thank you notes, several emails and made a call – nothing in response! I know I shared that she responded with that email but the fact is that we had been communicating for nearly six months before the face-to-face visit and her communications were different in tone and responsive! So, after a year of bewilderment, I have chalked it up to dual personalities… what can I say – I have no idea what went wrong. I will say that what I have concluded is to try not to allow myself to fall into a trap of believing I’m now best buds with a donor and to tread more cautiously along that route. It did plague me for quite some time, but your leadership has helped me to realize, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone blunders at times. And sometimes you just don’t have the same chemistry as a donor and it’s best to let that alone and assign a different gift officer to the relationship. On a happier note – I received a second gift from a first time donor last year and it was double the amount from last year and we know it was due to stewardship and cultivation practices that began following her gift last year – an initial TY Note from the Chair, a call from me, a magazine and eventually a visit in their home to learn more about why they gave and sharing more details of our mission and vital services! It was very rewarding and helps me to shake off some of the other cultivations gone wrong. Thanks for all you do to help others build their professional experiences and experience success.
Thanks for sharing, Wanda! Navigating relationships can be tricky! Keep up the good work. And try not to let the disappointments get to you.
Amy. Thank you so much for this reminder. It’s really been a struggle lately. But a reminder that we are all human and all make mistakes. The good work comes when we move to not repeat the blunder.
Thank you, Amy, for your openness in sharing, and for the comments from others. It really helps me feel less alone and less like a doofus for saying the wrong thing, or the right thing in the wrong way. We’re all human! But it helps to hear it from others.
Oh Amy, I am so thankful for this article. I recently had a very long-term relationship (not work related, but personal) disintegrate over a misinterpreted email, and it still makes me sick to my stomach. The situation deeply reminds me that disputes should NEVER be addressed by email. And your article reminded me that these situations happen to all of us. Thanks for demonstrating that I’m not alone in this.