Did you know that women are less likely to sit at the head of the table than their male peers/counterparts? Many women still sit in the back of the room or off to the side, even when they hold positions of power.
Just the other day, I sat in a room with a female Executive Director who sat in the middle of the table, leaving the power seat up for grabs. I had to wonder if she thought about where she was going to sit or simply plopped down where it felt most comfortable.
The big question is this:
Why was she more comfortable sitting in the middle of the room to lead a meeting than at the front?
Subconsciously Abdicating Your Leadership
If you’re a woman in this sector and you don’t sit at the head of the table (or at least towards the front of the room), especially when you are the top dog at the table, think about why you don’t. Think about when you developed your seating preferences, all the way back to grammar school.
Like it or not, the head of the table is the power position. As a leader, you should take your rightful place up front, even if it feels uncomfortable. The more you sit at the head of the table, the more comfortable you’ll become. Not only that, people around you will expect you to lead from where you sit.
Women executive directors who sit in the middle of the table often do so because it seems more collaborative, but it also sends a powerful subconscious message…
…you’re not comfortable being on top.
As a Woman Fundraiser, Where Do You Sit?
Let’s take a moment to consider where you sit in the following scenarios.
In a Board Meeting
Let’s assume that when you attend your board meetings, you’re there as a key part of the leadership team. And as a part of the team’s leadership, do you sit up front toward the head of the table? (Even square tables have a front and a back.) Or do people need to turn around (toward the back of the room) to look at you when you talk?
If you defer to everyone else by sitting in the back, you won’t be seen or heard. Make your face and your voice known as a leader at your organization.
Words of wisdom: Depending on your position at the organization, it may not be appropriate for you to sit at the head of the table. But there’s no need to sit at the back of the room, either.
Don’t let where you sit be an unconscious decision.
In a Staff Meeting
If you’re not the executive director, you may not sit at the head of the table. But you should take your place toward the front of the room. As part of the leadership team (which the development staff should be), you should be seen and heard as an important player at your organization.
In a Donor Meeting
I’ll never forget one of my first donor meetings.
My boss and I met a donor at a restaurant for lunch. We were seated at a square table, and my boss and I sat across from one another. The donor sat “in the middle”. The donor spent the lunch as though she was watching a tennis match, looking back and forth between me and my boss. Instead, my boss and I should have sat next to one another to make it easier to have a conversation with the donor.
When meeting with donors, it’s important to think about where you’re going to sit. Arrive early enough to select an appropriate seat. Of course, depending on the meeting, feel free to ask the donor where they would feel most comfortable sitting. Then, position yourself so that you have good eye contact and are seated comfortably and appropriately for the conversation.
In an Interview
As a consultant, I have plenty of opportunities to think about my seating choices. One scenario is when I’m being interviewed, and another is when I’m doing the interviewing.
I sometimes find myself in a room with a small committee of volunteers. Whenever possible, I seat myself across from the group (if it’s a small enough group, usually 3-4 people). I want to be able to speak to all of them, without having to remember to look on both sides, as well as across.
It’s Time to Take the Right Seat
The key takeaway from all of the above scenarios is that where you choose to sit matters. It affects both how you’re received and how you’re perceived by others in the room.
In a female-dominated field (around 70% of fundraisers are women), women hold less than half the leadership positions at large and mid-sized nonprofit organizations. If we want to turn that statistic around and be more successful, we need to think about our choices and change what we can. One of those things we have the immediate power to change is where we choose to sit.
So think for a moment about where you choose to sit. Is it an subconscious habit? If so, how did that habit develop? And more importantly, how can you change that habit to be more assertive?
Now that you’re thinking about it and you’ve read this post, are there any meetings where you’ll change where you choose to sit going forward? Let me know in the comments.
Our meetings are held online so this is not an issue of “sitting” in the power position. The article did make me aware that I am part of the leadership team and therefore, need to be heard more. I will speak into the circle more often, more clearly and thoughtfully as a result of reading your article.
Thanks for your support. As a woman, I need to learn how to lead and this is not comfortable for me.
Thanks for sharing, Elaine! So glad I sparked this for you.
There are many ways for me to take a stronger leadership role by choosing with purpose where to sit. Your article has made me more aware of my tendency to sit more towards the middle or closer to the back of the room rather than the head of the table. I will be more purposeful in where I choose to sit going forward. Thank you for highlighting this subtle but powerful opportunity.
Good challenge, Amy! I also add that we need to sit up straight and lean in. I see women slouched at board and team meetings, which sends a powerful message as well. (I’m trying to shrink or I don’t care) I believe in Servant Leadership and overt messages about who is in charge are not productive. Choosing where to sit sends a subtle message that we deserve to be listened to, have something to offer, and own a leadership mentality even if not in ‘the’ position of leader.
Excellent point about posture, Lorrie. Thanks for pointing it out.
My grandmother, Edna, participated in the Montgomery, AL bus boycott in 1956. She told me that I must always sit up front and speak intelligently to add to the conversation. Grandma had a firebrand spirit! She instilled in me that I have the right to be seen, heard and respected.
DeVonne – Yes, yes, yes! Thanks for sharing. Your grandmother was a wise woman!
Thank you, Amy, for this post. It has taken me years to get the confidence to sit up front in a room, at the head of the table in meetings and find my voice.. When I would attend dinner functions where I could choose where to sit, I looked for tables predominantly filled by men.and would “boldly” take my place at the table. My knees used to knock, but I discovered I didn’t wither away and actually had very pleasant experiences. Today, I realize that my voice, my presence are no less than any one else in the room. I stake my claim and run with it; not with arrogance, but with confidence.
It’s just common sense and yet I’ve never given it much thought! Very empowering – I’m looking forward to my next meeting. Thank you!
It’s so great that we are having this conversation about which seat to occupy. Back in my early days of fundraising I was among the first to be able to sit in formerly all male dining rooms or social clubs, and went on to hold leadership positions in large nonprofits. I had to know that was where I wanted to be. Then, it was significant to take any seat; now it is important to take the right seat as you point out. Great reminder about the subtle messages we convey. Thanks, Amy.
This is one post that I don’t agree with. My power or lack thereof has very little to do with where I choose to sit, but everything to do with how I present myself and my ideas. I sit in the center of the table at a board meeting because I want to be able to see and connect with all of my board members; sitting at the end of the table doesn’t work as well because it puts me too far away from some of the participants. Connecting with people increases our power rather than decreasing it, so when I position myself I’m thinking about how best to connect with the most people. Sitting at the “head” of the table implies that I need to put myself “above” others in order to have power, and I just don’t think that’s the most effective way to lead.
Hi Sharon – I’m always happy to generate discussion, which includes different viewpoints. Of course, the “head” of the table can be where you make it. Good point about being close to and connecting with everyone at the table. Thanks for sharing.
Brilliant. And True. Good read for any fundraiser but especially for women fundraisers. Thanks for this Amy!
I worked at an organization where the person not in charge (although they wanted to be) always sat at the head of the table, and the executive director sat in the middle. It made a pretty big statement, as the executive director had difficulty truly being in charge. The employee seated at the head of the table was always calling the shots, telling people what to do, and when to do it, including the executive director. You could tell the executive director was struggling with truly leading the group, and it was easier for them to let the other person have their way. It was truly a dysfunctional organization, as there was no support system from leadership, and a colleague who was not in that leadership role was making all the decisions. So I can very understand how the head of table position could go to someone’s head to take over when they are really not in that role. But in the end the executive director let this happen. Your thoughts on the subject were very insightful Amy, thanks for sharing.
This article hit close to home. I always sit in the middle of the table even now that I am AVP. You make an excellent point and I will change where I sit from now on. Thank you!
Small things can make such a big difference in us, as well as to those, around us. Positioning is not limited to seating. As mentioned by someone previously, its about posture, projection, demeanor etc. .The challenge to “take your place” (in all its various forms), is a wonderful wake up call. Thank you Amy!