5 Stages of Grief: You, Fundraising, and Covid-19

You’re likely already familiar with the Five Stages of Grief, which are often referred to when someone experiences extreme loss (usually death or divorce). They can also be applied to the Covid-19 crisis.

The five stages of grief apply to us both personally and professionally because the magnitude of the current global health crisis and the economic instability lead to the same emotions generally experienced around death and divorce.

5 Stages of Grief During the Covid-19 Crisis

My hope is that no matter where you are along the continuum of grief, there is light at the end of the tunnel in the form of acceptance. Let’s review how you might get there.

Stage 1: Denial

It’s hard to imagine a crisis of this magnitude. Our minds are not built to comprehend such a thing.

Over the past ten days, you likely felt a significant amount of denial and disbelief. Statistically, it’s probable that my family and I will get Covid-19, but we are fine today, so I believe we won’t (denial).

You don’t want to believe the world as you know it could be coming to an end, so it’s easier to pretend it’s not happening. That’s denial.

Until a week or two ago, businesses and nonprofits were open as usual, even though we “knew” the danger had arrived.

And even though you may have run out for toilet paper and hand sanitizer, you weren’t making plans for working from home, you weren’t speaking with donors or your board members about contingency plans. After all, they would have thought you were crazy — they were in denial, too.

Stage 2: Pain and Guilt

In some versions of the stages of grief, stage two is about pain and guilt. I included it here because it applies to how you may be feeling right now.

You’ve switched to working from home and that’s complicated. You’re probably not getting much work done, even though you’re worried your fundraising might be in free-fall.

If you’ve thought, “My cause isn’t as important as other causes, so I can’t really raise money right now,” you’re not alone. I’ve heard that 100 times this week. (I think you can raise money, and should be, so keep reading.)

Should you be raising money now? That’s the question on everyone’s mind. It’s hard to think straight and make good decisions during the pain and guilt stage.

The guilt can be stifling. There are times it feels that way for me. I’ve experienced my own share of guilt this past week — thoughts like:

• I’m not doing my work as well as I should be
• I’m not being a good parent — my kids have had way too much screen time
• I can’t help my parents the way I would like
• I wish I could help those less fortunate than me — it’s not fair that I have food and a home where I can comfortably shelter in place

I also feel guilty about the advice I’m giving to clients. The ground seems to be shifting constantly. Good advice today could be bad advice tomorrow. I definitely don’t want to give out bad advice at a time like this.

Stage 3: Anger and Bargaining

You’re likely feeling anger at what’s going on, as well as at the loss of control in your life. Anger is about anxiety and frustration. There’s an overwhelming amount of that feeling right now.

We’re anxious because we don’t know when or how this will end. We don’t know who will survive and who will not. This “unknowing” can cause us to freeze. The future is unsure, so it might be best to do nothing.

The unknown can be terrifying. Which leads to bargaining.

Bargaining is defined as:

• Struggling to find meaning
• Reaching out to others
• Telling one’s story

This is exactly what we do in fundraising.

If possible, use this opportunity to reach out to your donors. Find out how they are feeling and lend an ear, if you can. They are going through their own stages of grief. (You may need to get past this stage before you are able to listen to your donors without being overly emotional.)

I’m praying (bargaining) to make sense of this and have it come to a quick and easy ending.

Stage 4: Depression and Loneliness

After only a little over one week of “lock-down” I’ve had waves of depression and loneliness. I’m guessing you have, too. It’s hard to be away from friends, family, and colleagues. Although talking on the phone and video chat helps, it doesn’t feel like enough.

Regardless of who’s in your household, there are people in your life you wish you could hug and hold.

In addition, I’m sad, and I’m sure you are, too. We are all grieving for the life we had only a few short weeks ago.

Stage 5: Acceptance

I’m not sure I’ve made it to acceptance yet, but yesterday seemed better than the days before. I was calmer and a bit more settled into a new routine.

I’ve almost come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to be a perfect parent during this time. My kids will not stick to a schedule or do all of their schoolwork or chores — and that’s okay. They are going through the stages of grief as well… they miss their friends and even school.

The nonprofit sector may not look the same as it did last month and last year. Fundraising may change forever and everything we thought we knew may no longer hold up in the world on the other side of this tunnel. And that’s okay, too. We live in a changing world. Crises like this help us reprioritize what’s important in our lives. This crisis might even be the catalyst for some good down the road… we can only hope.

To help us all through our stages of grief, please join me to discuss the issues we’re all facing and your feelings as they arise each week. I’m facilitating a weekly townhall-style discussion for as long as this crisis lasts. We’ll discuss how Covid-19 is impacting your nonprofit and the fundraising sector, as a whole.

These free-to-join meetings take place online, Thursdays at 3:00 EST. Register below for ongoing access:

Working Through the 5 Stages At Your Own Pace

Of course, these stages may not proceed in a straight line, so be patient. Things are changing rapidly day-to-day; you may find yourself feeling depressed and lonely one day, and angry and guilty the next. And that’s perfectly fine. Everyone will have their own path to acceptance.

I was surprised to find how a full day of rain profoundly affected my mood on Monday. It was not a good day. But then the sun came out yesterday, and I felt a little better.

One thing I’ve been reminding myself over and over is that no matter how much I worry, it won’t change the outcome. So I’m doing my best to take deep breaths and long walks, make time for meditation, and playing with my children.

I’m thankful that, for the moment, we’re all healthy and safe.

So, count your blessings. Acceptance will come to all of us… in time.

I do hope you’ll join me for the weekly townhall sessions. Even though many of us have been forced into temporary isolation, we are stronger together. And we will work though this — together.